THE FATHER LIFE Likes…

by The Howitzer

I like talking about you, you, you, you usually.  But, occasionally I want to talk about me. – Toby Keith

I heard one of my favorite country songs again a couple of days ago about a self-centered conversationalist. You know the type! Every conversation is about them. Take my friend Freddy (not their real name). A 20-minute conversation with them consists of 19 minutes of listening and 1 minute of escaping. Heaven forbid that I might have had something to say especially since I made the call. But, Freddy doesn’t care. Freddy thinks that everyone was given 2 ears to listen to their every problem in life. Now don’t get me wrong, I like Freddy and I like talking Freddy, Freddy, Freddy, Freddy usually. But, occasionally I walk to talk about me.

“Most of us are so wrapped up in our own stuff that we don’t want to mess around with the crap that people all around us are dealing with.”

I don’t think that I am the only one who feels that way (am I ?) In fact, I am sure that I am not the only one that is going through some major challenges that they would like to work through with a friend. That is if they could find someone who would engage with them in and around their concerns. But most of us are so wrapped up in our own stuff that we don’t want to mess around with the crap that people all around us are dealing with. With all the stuff that is going on in our culture we may be in a very unique place to build friendships, encourage someone else and have a real ministry in the lives of others. But to do so you have to become a Master Question Asker. Sometimes, to be in a place of influence you just need to listen to someone else instead of always hogging the spotlight in your conversations.

Consider my friend John (that is his real name). John is a pastor and it is kind of his job to make sure everybody is doing ok. As a result, he asks a lot of questions (how else would he find out). The thing I like about John is that I think he is really interested in my answers. Contrasted to Freddy who ask questions to transition into another personal expose. I enjoy being the topic of conversation occasionally. I like being able to actually communicate my opinion on a topic or share about a real concern of mine. I am probably your typical guy who doesn’t really know how I feel about a topic till I start sounding it out. Self-discovery and self-revelation spills out a sentence at a time.

What am I trying to say?

1. True friendship is two ways. If one person dominates the conversation all the time you got trouble.
2. True friends ask as many questions as answer questions. People love answering sincere questions about themselves, their opinions and their concerns.
3. If you a not a good question askers you are probably not a good friend or at least your friends probably don’t think you value them.
4. People will put up with Freddy-types for a while but will distance themselves over time. They reason they are called Fast-Freddy is that they lose their friends quickly.

The Scripture says that the heart of man is like a deep well, but a man of understanding draws out our friends and helps them reveal great insights from their inner selves. But you have to ask great questions, listen well and be genuinely interested. Are you a John or a Freddy? I want to be a John. And funny enough, John actually has people ask him questions in return. He who waters others will himself be watered. Well, sometimes!

Photo by shareski

by The Howitzer

Whatever happened to Randolph Scott ridin’ the trail alone?  Whatever happened to Gene and Tex, and Roy, and Rex, the Durango Kid?  Oh, whatever happened to Randolph Scott, his horse plain as could be?  Whatever happened to Randolph Scott has happened to the best of me. – The Statler Brothers

Such are the musings of the Statler Brothers as they pondered the demise of their heroes in the movies.  They longed for a greater day where we were inspired by our American idols rather than voted on who sings the best.  In short where have our heroes gone?

Today is the 50^th birthday of one of my heroes.  His name is Eugene Brannum.  These days he goes by Rory but he will always be Eugene to me.  I met him as a brand new believer as he recently had relocated from Dallas to NW Arkansas to assist in a college ministry that I was just getting involved with in the early 80s.  Over those early formative years of my Christian life, Eugene seemed to cross my path a lot.  He was my first discipleship group leader in my first summer training project.  Shortly, thereafter we would be roommates in an outreach to international students at the University of Arkansas.  My first mission exposure overseas would come at his tutelage and when I got married he was one of the guys who stood up for me.  I can still remember the poem he wrote for my rehearsal dinner.

Roses are red, violets are blue.  Tim’s getting married, Terri is too!

That captures Eugene in my mind: involved, funny, leading the way, providing opportunities for others, caring for people and concerned.  My wife still tells a story of how she learned to listen from him.  It seems there were at a party where there were a lot of people milling around.  They were in a conversation about something and people kept coming by and speaking to him.  But, with laser beam focus he continued to listen to what she had to say.  To Eugene if you were saying something to him that was the most important thing going on.

The thing that I appreciate the most about Eugene is that he is one of the first guys who rolled up his sleeves and attempted to disciple me (which by the way is no picnic).  I can still vividly remember being pulled aside (on numerous occasions) and being treated to one of his famous “Rebuke Sandwiches”.  A rebuke sandwiched between two positives.  These were on the menu if you were in need of instruction.  They might go like this:

Tim, I want you to know how impressed I am with all your contributions that you are making around the house and your attention to detail.  You are definitely one of the key guys and we would not be as efficient as we are without your leadership.  HOWEVER, YOU ARE DRIVING EVERYBODY CRAZY WITH YOUR LEGALISTIC ATTITUDE TOWARD THE HOUSE DUTIES.  But again, I think that just goes to show how involved and concerned you are about things going right around here.  Thanks for the concern, but you MIGHT WANT TO LIGHTEN UP A BIT.

How can you be offended by that?  In fact, I still remember how after I figured out what he was doing enjoying a good “Rebuke Sandwich” every now and then (and I am not one to be interested in having my flaws pointed out).  But, I appreciate someone who is willing to risk the relationship to give input in a positive reinforcing way that invites me to change and reach my potential.  In fact, Eugene was one of the first guys who pointed out to me that I had potential in my Christian life by spending time trying to groom me.  Thanks!

There are hundreds of stories that I could tell but I will share some of those for later.  For now I wanted to honor one of my heroes on his birthday.  HIS 50^TH BIRTHDAY.  Let me share a birthday poem I have written for the occasion.

Roses are red, violets are blue.  I’m getting old, Rory is too.

Happy Birthday Eugene!  May the Lord bless you and keep you and cause His face to shine upon you.

The Statler Brothers wondered where all the heroes have gone.  One of them just moved back to Dallas: RORY EUGENE BRANNUM.

by The Howitzer

I’m not ready to make nice/I’m not ready to back down/I’m still mad as hell and I don’t have time to go round and round and round/It’s too late to make it right/I probably wouldn’t if I could/’Cause I’m mad as hell/Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should- Dixie Chicks

This morning, I ran across a verse in the Bible that got me hopping mad (again). The content of the passage is about laying aside all malice, guile, hypocrisy, envy and slander. As I thought about whether I was guilty of any of those, I was reminded (again) of a situation that I am still mad about. It doesn’t matter what my specific situation is, the thing that perplexes me is WHY CAN’T I JUST LET IT GO??? My specific issue happened almost 10 years ago and even though I may say that I am over it, the truth is I am still mad as hell about how everything turned out. I deserved better than what I got.

Sound familiar? Why is it that the things that wound us deeply never seem to go away? My wound was professional in nature. But, we all struggle with wounds. Wounds from our relationships. Wounds from abusive situations. Wounds of the emotions. Wounds of the heart. Wounds of the ego. Financial wounds. Wounds from the workplace. Wounds from the playground. Some things are so important to us that it crushes our spirit and leaves permanent scar tissue on our hearts. Some things are so egregious to us that if feels as if our soul has been raped and left for dead.

What in the world are we to do in a situation like that? I don’t know about you but I have a hard time working my way through this. The only answer I can come up with may sound trite but I think it is the key. The only way to work though the big stuff is to forgive. Notice I didn’t say forgets. I think it is the concept of “forgive and forget” that trips me up. I may be able to forgive but unlike God I don’t have a sea of forgetfulness that I can cast my hurts into. All it takes to transport me back is a single word or in this case a single verse that triggers my emotional attachment to an issue that I wish would just go away. As much as I may try, the closest I can get to forgetfulness is temporary distraction. I may move my pain to my subconscious for months or even years on end, but inevitably I will have it thrust back in my face at some point. And to be honest, some issues surprise me as to their staying power in my life.

I am reminded of Jesus’ poignant comment on the cross related to the emotional pain He was experiencing. He said, “Father forgive them for they do not know what they are doing.” What a request! Father, will you grant forgiveness to the perpetrators of my pain. Give them a break Lord. I like what the psalmist says better, “smash their teeth Lord.” Intercessory prayer on behalf of your enemies is a step in the right direction of personally granting them forgiveness (even if they never ask for it themselves). If we are unwilling to pray for our enemies, we will never be able to forgive them and move on.

Probably, the biggest aid in granting forgiveness it to focus on how God has forgiven you. The story of the woman caught in adultery is a classic illustration of that. You remember the scene I am sure. The religious leaders bring a woman caught in the act of adultery to Jesus to get him to ‘OK’ a good old fashion stoning (interesting how the guy got away, but we will save that for another day). Jesus’ response is very challenging. He says, “Go ahead and stone her, and let the first stone be thrown by the one without sin.” Talk about a party pooper. Is He really saying, don’t punish your foes because you too are a sinner and guilty enough not to deserve extract judgment on their sin? When He says to forgive as God has forgiven you does that apply to the wounder of our souls?

Personally, I am tired of my past controlling my present. It frustrates me that I can be minding my own business when memories come back and remind me that issues are not completely resolved. And even more frustrating is that they may not ever resolve. But, for now I will pray for those hurt me and put the stones back into my pocket and focus on God’s forgiveness of my sin. God knows how gracious He has been with me. I guess I can cut some slack. Am I still mad? Yeah probably. Will I work through it in this life? Probably not completely. Can I make peace with my past? You betcha! They say that time heals. I like to think that God heals over time.

Photo mysi anne

By Trey Smith

If there is one thing I know about us “guys” it’s that we are guided by ego more than we like to admit and probably more than we are even aware of. As I ponder that statement it strikes me as somewhat peculiar because for those of us who have even a novice understanding of scripture know that ego was at the heart of the original sin of Adam and Eve. Nevertheless I am convinced that we are somewhat blind to our consistent egotistical behavior. One of the most common manifestations of this disease as I observe the landscape of the American male is in our resistance to connect at a transparent level.

I am reminded of countless occurrences on the elementary school yard and within the walls of high school that were nothing more than young men striving as hard as they could to project an image that though not genuine it was certainly their best shot coming of as cool, respectable, confident or successful. After all, as a young man what really matters is the image that other guys have of you. Funny, in many ways we are all still those same boys walking around in adult bodies ever participating in venues created to cultivate our faith and maturity yet refusing to be real and honest about who we are and what we truly wrestle with. I see it constantly. Christian men interacting with other people of faith but never truly opening the door to their heart and revealing their unique battles with sin and certainly never giving another trusted friend a license to challenge or bring accountability to their life.

Why is this? Pretty simple really (at least it is with me)…ego. Ego is not only self-promotion but also self-preservation. I know for some this kind of assertion is too simple or shortsighted or maybe too harsh, but it seems to me that any diagnosis one may offer is rooted in self-preservation. We are afraid of letting our guard down. Plain and simple. Who wants to come off as weak? Nobody! It’s human nature.

Here’s the really bad news. The result of this kind of life is being surrounded by friends yet being known by no one. No one. Consider this: Who knows your deepest fears? The things you avoid because you have no confidence in that particular setting? Who knows the 1 or 2 sin habits that are most difficult for you to defeat? Does anyone beside you and God know the thing that frustrates you most about your marriage?

More bad news. This is the worst news. The longer a man lives this way the less chance he has of actually addressing issues that need attention. The natural outcome is yet another man punching the clock of life day after day getting older but never getting better. What a waste. Imagine living to be 75 years old and never maturing in your walk with God more that 3 or 4 years because it was too scary to let others into the core of your soul and help you with your shit. Ego is a dangerous thing.

Over the years I have had the privilege of experiencing deep and trust-filled friendships with other men. In every case the depth was always preceded by the “get to know one another” stage. It always takes time but is always worth it. My story is this: I’m not able. I’m not able on my own to pursue the life God calls us to. I need other men. Men who aren’t afraid to ask personal questions about my private life. Men who give me that same right regarding their life. These are relationships that sharpen me and I thank God for them!

At the heart of the gospel is the grace of God. Most of us who claim Christ would certainly agree. Consider this; If I’m not willing to cultivate an authentic sharpening relationship with at least one man am I really a believer that the gospel is about grace?!? If I’m living life on my own, I’m telling the world I don’t need any more grace because my life is completely fixed. (Do any of us really believe that?) You and I have plenty to improve on and many times God extends His grace to us embodied in a friend.

I feel confident that ego will be a life long foe of mine. My desperate prayer is that God will remind me to exercise humility. The kind of humility that allows me to be transparent with other men. Men who will challenge and sharpen me so that I may continue to get better until my very last day!

Photo by roland

by The Howitzer

Without recanting one word from my previous article I want to write a rebuttal to my own position. Although there is a definite need for wisdom and discretion about what you share of your personal walk with the Lord there is a case that must be made for transparency as well. Introspection definitely has it place but men were never intended to live life alone. One of the first sociological observations ever made about man was about his struggle in living an “alone” life. God said, “it is not good for the man to be alone”. Man was created to live in community. He was also created to live in communion with his Maker.

I think this oxy-moron of being open about your life and being private about your life is a tough one to navigate. Personality type plays a big part in how we approach our sharing. Some of us are wide open and some of us are very private. Personally, I am both. Part of my make up is very public and likes to air out my thoughts, feelings and opinions to the world (I guess that why I enjoy blogging). Another part of me is very private and is really unknown by most people. Over the years I have learned painfully that if you share some of you most intimate secrets with the wrong person it will come back to bite you on the butt. That is what is so wonderful about a real relationship with God, you can share your most intimate thoughts with Him and He doesn’t judge or reject you. He also doesn’t rat you out or use that knowledge against you.

My observation is that most men don’t have a close enough circle that really gives a rip about how they are really doing. That is really sad. I know a few years ago I was in a really tough situation and I actually got on the phone and ask some men to come and stand by me in a do-or-die kind of a scenario. One came and the others were too busy living their own lives. We would all like to think that we have some friends who would come in a moment’s notice but that may or may not be true. I do know that as we share our lives with others and they get to know what is going on inside us, the likelihood of have a last-minute-man show up is more likely. I may be wrong, but I think most of us would like be a part of a band of brothers who know each other and accept and support one another. I know there are some bah-humbuggers out there who say, “Howtizer, I have no interest in having others know about my crap and I really don’t want to know about theirs.” But, it is those same folks who have probably experienced some kind of rejection at the hand of friends. Man was not created to live on an island by himself.

My point (as rambling as it may be) is this. We need others around us to share our lives with. We are lonely as a culture and most men I know privately bemoan the fact that are not satisfied with the social aspect of their lives. And even if friendship is not on the top of your felt needs it is a real need that you probably need to connect with. Solomon said it this way in Ecclesiastes 4:9-12.

^9 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: ^10 If one falls down, his friend can help him up.  But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!  ^11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.  But how can one keep warm alone?  ^12 Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves.   A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Photo by Arenamontanus

By Greg Primm

We all have numerous communities that we live in — groups of people that we spend time with, that we identify with.  Family, neighborhood, work, church, soccer team, the gym.  Once you are in a community, truly in, it can add so much to your life.  True communities foster encouragement, support, love, and commitment to a common cause.

Lately, I’ve been involved in several new communities.  New bible study group; new group of Tuesday morning breakfast guys; new project team at work.  Joining a new community of people is tough.  You don’t know how to act because the rules have already been set long before you joined, or the rules are being made up as you go.  ”Is this guy going to whack me if I give him a hard time about something?”  ”How much information should I share with this new bible study group?”

What I’ve learned as I joined these new communities that while its fun to meet new, interesting people — it’s hard.  It’s not automatic.   I might break the unwritten rules of the group and not be accepted.

And then what?  I have to find another community that’s a better fit.

I think that’s why this passage from John Eldredge impacts me.

A true community is something you will have to fight for. You’ll have to fight to get one, and you’ll have to fight to keep it afloat. But you fight for it like you bail out a life raft during a storm at sea. You want this thing to work. You need this thing to work. You can’t ditch it and jump back on the cruise ship. This is the church; this is all you have. Without it, you’ll go down. Or back to prison.

Suddenly all those “one another’s” in Scripture make sense. Love one another. Bear one another’s burdens. Forgive one another. Acts of kindness become deeply meaningful because we know we are at war. Knowing full well that we are all facing battles of our own, we give one another the benefit of the doubt. Leigh isn’t intentionally being distant from me – she’s probably under an assault. That’s why you must know each other’s stories, know how to “read” one another. A word of encouragement can heal a wound; a choice to forgive can destroy a stronghold. You never knew your simple acts were so weighty. Its what we’ve come to call “lifestyle warfare.”

We check in regularly with one another, not out of paranoia (“Do you still like me?”), but in order to watch over each other’s hearts. “How are you doing?” But be careful about what you are looking for from community. For if you bring your every need to it, it will collapse. Community is no substitute for God. I left our annual camping trip absolutely exhausted and disappointed. As we drove home, I realized it was because I was looking to them to validate me, appreciate me, fill this aching void in my heart. Only once in ten days did I take time to be away with God, alone. I was too busy trying to get my needs met through them. Which is why community cannot live without solitude.

(John Eldredge - Waking the Dead, 199, 200 )

He’s right.  We have to fight for our community.  Not because we like it.  Not because it’s fun.  Because, without community, we’re not living the life we were intended to live.  We were made to share our lives with others.  And sharing means giving something up that is important to us.  And that requires taking a risk.  Taking that risk means we might fail.  It also means we might be successful beyond out wildest dreams — to be a part of a community that gets it, that makes a difference in the lives of the community and in the lives of those outside the community.

If you’ve gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care— then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don’t push your way to the front; don’t sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don’t be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand. Philippians 2:1-4 (The Message)

Photo credit:  Mattox

by The Howitzer

Let me tell you about one of my best friends ever. His name is Tim- just like me. We met when we were in the 4^th grade in a small rural elementary school. My family has just moved from Dallas and we settled in a small community called Tull, AR (population 273). Tim was kind of a playground legend and all around great guy. We moved into town when I was in the 7^th grade and I still kept track of Tim and some of the other folks I knew through following how they were doing in athletics. When I was about 16, Tim resurfaced in my orbit when he began to play baseball for the same team I was on. We reconnected quickly and began to hang out a lot. His senior year, he transferred into our cross-county rival school district. He was instrumental in leading them to the state championship in basketball. My senior year, I spent more time hanging out with him and following the Hornet Basketball team than even my own high school team.

As many high school friends do, we lost track of one another in college. But, when it came time for me to get married I asked him to be one of my groomsmen. I can still remember him to be THE guy who didn’t participate in my destruction at my bachelor’s party as late in the evening my “friends” decided to have a food fight at my expense. Tim was the guy who got the towel and helped me clean the peanut butter, cereal and raw eggs out of my ears. But, the wedding weekend ended and we each went on back to our lives and I lost track of him again. Last I heard he was a fishing guide in Texas. That is so like him. He is the guy who actually taught me how to shoot a gun, chop wood and drive a stick shift. Now here I am 20+ years later and as I think back over my life I still hold him as one of my dear friends, even though I haven’t seen or heard from him in decades.

Why is it that some people just connect with your life in a permanent way and others roll through your life like sand through an hourglass? Why do some of your friends bring you such peace of heart and others drive you crazy. What is it that makes friendships work? I think it is pretty simple- LOVE. Now I know that men aren’t supposed to talk about emotional stuff and heaven forbid that we should tell another man that we love them (unless you’re drunk). But guys, that warm affection that you have for your friends is LOVE. And the lack of warm affection that you have for everyone else is NOT-LOVE. Women have it right in that they are a least willing to let each other know they care for one another. Before you get too uncomfortable, let’s de-feminize the concept by sharing a great definition that the apostle Paul used for love in 1 Corinthians Chapter 13.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ^Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. ^ Love never fails.

Are you patient with your friends? Are you kind? Do you envy your friends when they succeed or celebrate? Are you arrogant or humble with your friends? Are you rude? Do you seek your own way or are you always trying to find out what best for someone else? Do you get angry with your friends easily? Do you keep score with the wrongs your friend has done? Are your friendships centered on truth or evil? Do you protect your friends? Do you give your friends the benefit of the doubt? Are your friendships long lasting and full of hope, perseverance and consistency?

The Beatles got a lot of things wrong but they were spot on when they said, “all we need is love, love, love is all we need!” Another poet said it this way, “What the world needs now is love sweet love that’s the only thing that there’s just too little of.” Jesus said it first. We are to love God with all of our being and love our neighbor as ourselves. He also said that we could have no greater love than this: we should lay down our life for our friends. These days I spend more time talking with people about getting together than actually getting together. What is it about our culture that has so isolated us? The thing I miss most about being in school is getting to hang out with your buddies every day. Seems that the closest many of us get to reconnecting to old friends is online Facebook conversations or to peruse their profiles on Classmates. Living large (or living an abundant life) in your friendship is about learning how to connect in a consistent, meaningful way. Said another way, we need to live out our love for our friend. Could be as simple as keeping in touch.

I miss my buddy Tim. I wonder what he is up to these days. I may a do a little Facebook search and see if I can find him. Friendship is a terrible thing to waste.

Photo by CarbonNYC