I first read the book The Servant Leader by James A. Autry five years ago, and it had a profound impact on both my professional and personal life. It caused me to think about whether or not I really understood my purpose, mission and values. It made me question how effective I was in my roles as husband, father and leader. The book describes 5 Ways of Being – Authentic, Vulnerable, Accepting, Present and Useful – and these principles have helped me discover many things on the journey of “learning what it means to be a good dad.”
Implementing the 5 Ways of Being to my role as a father has both challenged and enhanced the relationship I have with my kids. At times, it would be easier to abandon these principles in favor of an easier path, perhaps something along the lines of Bill Cosby’s comedic assertion that “parents just want peace!” The problem is peace through pacification or power rarely works, whereas taking the time to apply the 5 Ways of Being through love and accountability always produces a better result in the end. The most peaceful times I’ve had as a father have been when I found ways to effectively balance love and accountability with my children.
Here are some thoughts on how each of the 5 Ways of Being have helped me as a father:
Being Authentic – Autry describes this as “be who you are…no matter what role you have.” For me, this means being consistent in my words and actions when I deal with my kids. It also means showing them who I really am as a person, not just a father. They see my strengths and imperfections. I lead by example when it comes to acting the same way at home, work, in a social setting, on the phone or any other interaction with people. I try to show them that relationships are built on trust, and you have to be genuine and authentic with others (including me) to secure that trust. As a father, it is important to me that my kids know exactly who I am and what to expect from me.
Being Vulnerable – Autry describes this as “being honest with your feelings…being open with your doubts and fears…and being able to admit mistakes openly.” Honesty is very important to me, and it is the root of integrity in my mind. I expect my kids to be honest and respectful to me, and I do my best to demonstrate these behaviors with them as well. I openly share my pride, joy, excitement, humor, disappointment, sadness, fear and, yes, even anger with my kids every day. While I may be a little too direct at times, they always know how their behavior makes me feel, and I encourage them to express their thoughts and feelings with me as well. If I make a mistake, I own up to it (and they remind me to do so!). I learned this behavior from my father, who is a great man that is never afraid to wear his emotions on his sleeve and honestly share his feelings.
Being Accepting – Autry describes this as “more important than approval…you accept [the validity of others and their ideas]…you accept and embrace disagreement as a human part of the process.” I’m certain most parents would say they are “accepting” of their children, but it’s more than an obligation to love and protect them. As a father, I try to encourage my kids to challenge themselves, share their ideas and, at times, respectfully disagree with me (this is a difficult task, I must admit though). Not only do I accept and love them as my offspring, but also as unique individuals from whom I can learn and connect with on many different levels. I appreciate who they are and what they are becoming. And with a teenage daughter and two little toddlers, I have definitely accepted that conflict and disagreement comes with the territory.
Being Present – Autry describes this as “having your whole self available…to bring all your values to bear on the [situation] at hand.” As a father, I struggle with this one. There always seems to be a distraction – phones, television, work, to-do lists weighing on my mind, chores, screaming, yelling and what seems like controlled chaos surrounding me at all times. Giving my entire attention to one of my kids at a time is very difficult for me to do, but I try to make this a priority every day, even if it is only for five minutes each. I had to set “rules” for myself, in order to establish this discipline and behavior. Over time, I have been able to improve by establishing some rituals that I do with each child, like going to dinner or a movie with my teenager, wrestling with my 3-year-old each day and snuggling with my 1-year-old for a few minutes before bed each night. It is very important to me that my kids know how much I love them, and I can’t think of a more important gift to give them than my undivided attention and time.
Being Useful – Autry describes this as “service to others.” The stereotype of dads is not to serve their children, but I would argue that it should be. This doesn’t mean doing everything for them. To the contrary, you don’t serve anyone by enabling them to do nothing for themselves. As a father, I serve my kids by loving them, teaching them, encouraging them to maximize their potential, removing barriers for their growth, challenging them to overcome obstacles and do new things, and holding them accountable for their actions. I am a resource to them, whether they like to admit it or not. I show them how to do things, so that they can do for themselves. I want them to be strong and independent, but also compassionate and caring of others. I am most useful to them when I allow them to discover things for themselves or lift them up to shine like the stars they are.
The 5 Ways of Being have helped me to become a much more effective father, and these principles of Servant Leadership have made the journey of “learning what it means to be a good dad” exciting and challenging at the same time. So, does Servant Leadership apply to fatherhood? I hope you will agree with me in saying a resounding, “YES!”
Please feel free to share your thoughts on Servant Leadership and how it applies to your role as a father.
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