THE FATHER LIFE | the men's magazine for today's fathers

Less Stress for Dads: Who's driving who crazy?

By: Mike Biskup, Stress Relief Educator
Image By: Charlie Balch
May 19, 2008

When we dads are relaxed and enjoying life, we are more creative, more intelligent, more interested in spending time with our kids, and they are more interested in spending time with us! That was the premise of my first "Less Stress for Dads" article, in the March 31 issue of The Father Life.

Today I want to share my thoughts about our ability to choose to feel good whether our kids are behaving the way we want them to or not. Do our kids "make" us mad, or can we choose how we want to feel in any given moment?

I'll start with a common scenario for dads. When your kids are running through the house, apparently trying to make as much noise as possible, you might think to yourself, "These kids are driving me crazy!" But are they really?

One interesting way to find out who's really driving who crazy is to notice how you feel now compared to another time you were experiencing the same situation. Are you sometimes completely calm when your kids are that loud? Do you sometimes join in the commotion and rile them up even further?

If your kids are actually the cause of your frustration, you'll have the same reaction every time they act that way. If you sometimes get mad, other times don't care, and still other times join in, it can't be your kids that are driving you crazy. It's your own state of mind; you are driving you crazy. You are actually stressed out not by the activities of your kids but by the activity of your mind.

Here's a personal example from my house that helps me see I have the power to choose how I'm feeling in any moment. Sometimes my son says "no" when I ask him to take out the trash (or some other little helpful task), and I get very frustrated. I think to myself, "How did I get stuck with such an ungrateful, unhelpful little rascal!" Other times when he says "no," I think to myself, "Yeah, actually right now he's got better things to do... No one's gonna push that guy around! More power to him! He's his own boss, and that's best!" While his "no" can sometimes feel like it's driving me nuts, at other times it gives me a warm fuzzy feeling and confirms that I'm doing a top notch job as a dad!

However, his "no" actually does nothing itself. It's up to me to create either a positive or negative reaction within myself. Although it sometimes feels like he's doing it to me, when I'm really present in the moment, I know otherwise.

Here's why I think this is valuable information: If we know it is our own choice how we feel in any moment, we are free--free to decide how we want to feel in any moment.

If we believe our children's actions are the cause of our stress and unhappiness, we are trapped. We are stuck thinking we somehow have to get our children to behave in ways that will allow us to feel good. This is a very common fathering trap to be in--a trap that erodes the relationship, breaks down communication, and makes our fathering more difficult. I see a lot of fathers focusing on, "How can I get my kids to behave? How can I get them to do X,Y, or Z?" Their belief is, "If they would only quit doing that unhelpful stuff, I would be able to be happy. If they don't quit, I'm sunk."

How do you get out of that trap? In my experience, dads have a lot more fun and have a deeper, more satisfying relationship with their kids when they stop trying to change specific behaviors and start learning how to enjoy fathering, regardless of their kids behavior. For more about my favorite approach to learning to feel good no matter what happens, read my previous article about "The Work of Byron Katie."

My experience shows me that when we try to change our kids' behavior so we won't be annoyed by their actions, we lose. When we become dependent on their good behavior for our happiness, our relationships suffer. When we focus on having fun, feeling good, and changing our own behavior for the better, our relationships with our kids improve.

Thanks for reading! Drop me a line today to schedule a time to chat about how you can learn to feel good whenever you choose. Also, please visit my website and blog and share your own thoughts: www.mikebiskup.com

Mike Biskup is a Stress Relief Educator, Artist, and Father residing in Washington State.


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Less Stress for Dads: Who's driving who crazy? By: Mike Biskup, Stress Relief Educator Image By: Charlie Balch May 19, 2008 When we dads are relaxed and enjoying life, we are more creative, more intelligent, more interested in spending time with our kids, and they are more interested in spending time with us! That was the premise of my first "Less Stress for Dads" article, in the March 31 issue of The Father Life. Today I want to share my thoughts about our ability to choose to feel good whether our kids are behaving the way we want them to or not. Do our kids "make" us mad, or can we choose how we want to feel in any given moment? I'll start with a common scenario for dads. When your kids are running through the house, apparently trying to make as much noise as possible, you might think to yourself, "These kids are driving me crazy!" But are they really? One interesting way to find out who's really driving who crazy is to notice how you feel now compared to another time you were experiencing the same situation. Are you sometimes completely calm when your kids are that loud? Do you sometimes join in the commotion and rile them up even further? If your kids are actually the cause of your frustration, you'll have the same reaction every time they act that way. If you sometimes get mad, other times don't care, and still other times join in, it can't be your kids that are driving you crazy. It's your own state of mind; you are driving you crazy. You are actually stressed out not by the activities of your kids but by the activity of your mind. Here's a personal example from my house that helps me see I have the power to choose how I'm feeling in any moment. Sometimes my son says "no" when I ask him to take out the trash (or some other little helpful task), and I get very frustrated. I think to myself, "How did I get stuck with such an ungrateful, unhelpful little rascal!" Other times when he says "no," I think to myself, "Yeah, actually right now he's got better things to do... No one's gonna push that guy around! More power to him! He's his own boss, and that's best!" While his "no" can sometimes feel like it's driving me nuts, at other times it gives me a warm fuzzy feeling and confirms that I'm doing a top notch job as a dad! However, his "no" actually does nothing itself. It's up to me to create either a positive or negative reaction within myself. Although it sometimes feels like he's doing it to me, when I'm really present in the moment, I know otherwise. Here's why I think this is valuable information: If we know it is our own choice how we feel in any moment, we are free--free to decide how we want to feel in any moment. If we believe our children's actions are the cause of our stress and unhappiness, we are trapped. We are stuck thinking we somehow have to get our children to behave in ways that will allow us to feel good. This is a very common fathering trap to be in--a trap that erodes the relationship, breaks down communication, and makes our fathering more difficult. I see a lot of fathers focusing on, "How can I get my kids to behave? How can I get them to do X,Y, or Z?" Their belief is, "If they would only quit doing that unhelpful stuff, I would be able to be happy. If they don't quit, I'm sunk." How do you get out of that trap? In my experience, dads have a lot more fun and have a deeper, more satisfying relationship with their kids when they stop trying to change specific behaviors and start learning how to enjoy fathering, regardless of their kids behavior. For more about my favorite approach to learning to feel good no matter what happens, read my previous article about "The Work of Byron Katie." My experience shows me that when we try to change our kids' behavior so we won't be annoyed by their actions, we lose. When we become dependent on their good behavior for our happiness, our relationships suffer. When we focus on having fun, feeling good, and changing our own behavior for the better, our relationships with our kids improve. Thanks for reading! Drop me a line today to schedule a time to chat about how you can learn to feel good whenever you choose. Also, please visit my website and blog and share your own thoughts: www.mikebiskup.com Mike Biskup is a Stress Relief Educator, Artist, and Father residing in Washington State.